Ganging Flora Excerpt pt. 2

For tips on pruning flowers and relationships, brought to you by More of Everything Please, the Yokozuna of guides — Ganging Flora, the excerpts continue:

  • Run. Fast. Faster. Get used to the feeling of being chased. It’ll help, though may ruin certain social situations like job interviews, the bar pick-ups and the duty of voting. Keep running. Maintain that cardio. Hedges are your friends but don’t linger in one place too long.
  • Picking: slice near the base on an angle, carry upside down to keep all juices in the bud or flower, hide under jacket or vest. Keep your head low, use hats for disguising in filmed areas (ex: Experimental Farm or Algonquin College’s horticulture centre). Start thinking that you are innocent, you are innocent, etc. Create a mantra. Prepare to run too. A paradoxical exercise.
  • Daisies, roses, irises, marigolds and brown-eyed susans are effective when handed in singles, but bouquets are just as fine. Never hand a said flower to a girl of the same name. Here there be cliché!
  • For those on a long trip, a Ziploc and some paper towels come in handy. Wet the towel, wrap it around the stem’s cut, and keep it moist in the plastic bag. Although less than pretty compared to professional flower arrangements, the thought counts most. Keep your carnations perky, your tulips erect.
  • An old saying is that flowers by the side of the road are the traveller’s bounty, and should go unpicked. The hitchhiker in me concurs, drawing happiness from these lone blossoms, but the ganger in me says fuck that noise. All flowers without a vase are fair game!
  • Tug at heartstrings with a jar of raspberries, pickled onions or a bag of blood-red beets. Mothers, even in-laws, will smile as long as you don’t lay it on thick. Remember not to say much since these kinds of things speak for themselves…